Raising the child – The Nature way or the Nurture way or both?

 

English: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linda_an...

English: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linda_and_Terry_Jamison A Photo of Linda and Terry Jamison, who are identical twins, photo for their info box on en.wikipedia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Do you hear things like “My son talks like his dad” or “My daughter has taken on her Mum when it comes to her obstinacy”?

 

I, too ,feel like my mother when I worry about my daughter or scold her for her carelessness.We all have our predecessors inside us and we all see our reflection in our children,Thanks to our genes.In the september issue of Readers Digest, I read about two identical twins where one always bears the physical pain of the other.

 

David Reiss, a psychiatrist at George Washington university who worked on a study of adolescent development for twelve years ,claims that genetic influences are largely responsible for how well kids do in school, how they get along with their peers,whether they get involved in dangerous or delinquent behavior.Believers of this theory go to the extent of propagating ‘Serenity Parenting” that takes away all the pressure off parents by believing that we are what we are born with.Parents cannot make a difference in the long run.They might impact the thoughts and actions of their children for the time they have to listen to them but they can never make a permanent influence.

 

We are well aware of  lot of parents who genuinely feel responsible for all that their children do.They firmly value themselves as the sculptors of their children.Hail “Tiger Parenting” that believes in effort model of achievement.Consistent guidance,constant encouragement and persistent pressure to excel motivate the child to realize his full potential.

 

For me,the key again is Balance.It is neither Nature nor Nurture, it is both.A child carries some characteristic imprints in the form of genes that influence him.At the same time, presence of parents is the biggest present for a child.

 

Let us observe our children closely to understand what they have brought with themselves and raise them in sync with their temperament.

 

Effortful Control – Magic key for raising children

 

Child & Computer

Child & Computer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Does it happen to your child that he has an important assignment to finish, yet he can’t resist watching his favorite show on television.

 

Do you find your child losing his temper even when he realizes the consequences attached to it?

 

Does it happen to you too when you give in the temptation of eating that extra piece of cake or sleeping merrily in your gym hour?If we or our kids do it regularly,we need to assess our effortful control.

 

EFFORTFUL  CONTROL is the ability to do what we don’t want to do and the ability to not do what we eagerly want to do at that point of time.

 

We need to condition our minds to rationally decide upon our actions and teach our kids to develop effortful control.It begins with toilet training of the child and continues throughout the life.A child needs to be made  to understand that he can’t wear his favorite dress everyday or eat a pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

 

A tween needs to realize that she can’t apply makeup or wear jewelry to school.A teen needs to understand that he can’t spend all his waking time with his friends.

 

We as parents need to develop effortful control ourselves(bye-bye extra cheese and extra sleep).We need to communicate clearly and incessantly to our children to keep a check on their emotions and actions.

 

Each time I hear about a girl committing suicide, an adolescent colliding in speed with a vehicle,a teacher abusing a student in a fit of rage,a senior going overboard during  rampant ragging sessions in college,I tell myself to teach effortful control to myself and those around me.

 

Look at the Moon.Imagine what will happen if it refuses to rotate around earth out of boredom or gets delayed in waxing and waning as he was busy on Facebook.

 

Am I still a Bulletproof Parent?

 

Candles spell out the traditional English birt...

Candles spell out the traditional English birthday greeting (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Last weekend ,my daughter was invited for a birthday party and I dread these invitations.First, I don’t know the child’s parents.Second, I keep waiting for a call from the mother who is organizing this party in the gaming zone of a posh mall.Third, my daughter wants to go .Another concerned mother calls to check if i am sending my child with a small paper invitation from the classmate who has told them that they have to be there.

 

After lot of pondering, we decide to take turns to stay in the mall till they have the party.I decide to drop both the girls while she chooses to pick them up .I stay in the mall for one hour, browsing books(in the store closest to the gaming zone) while the other mother comes for the next hour.(The card says they the party will last for two hours).When the other mother reaches to pick up the kids, the hosts had already left and the children (sixteen in total) were busy deciding on their prizes from the points won.

 

I took a pledge that I won’t send her for any birthday party till I know the parents well enough that I could tell them to stay with the invited children till the last kid is picked up.

 

Am I a Bulletproof parent or others are islands who just care about themselves?

 

The 4-2-1 syndrome

Fatherhood, By Robert Scoble

Fatherhood, By Robert Scoble (Photo credit: Thomas Hawk)

The number of children suffering from the 4-2-1 syndrome is on a rise or it could be called a 4-2-2 syndrome too.Well, it refers to four over indulgent grandparents and two busy parents taking care of one (or two) child. This over attention and over protection would certainly harm the child

When I talked about Grand Parenting, some parents talked about this over showering of love by the grandparents.

I, a believer of Moon Parenting, would repeat,”BALANCE is the key.”

Communicate with your parents and parents-in-law about the common goal-raising balanced children who can feast as well as fast with equal ease.Remind them that they were never  lenient and indulgent as parents and that you appreciated that.

We need to find new ways to make our children realize that money doesn’t grow in credit cards and happiness doesn’t actually mean eating a happy meal.Grand Parents come in really handy to drive this point home provided we can work as a wonderful flock of doves who fly in a V-Shaped formation.The dove flying in the front helps the dove flying behind him as his wing movement reduces the effort of  the dove back in line by 30 percent.When the leading dove gets tired, the dove in the back replaces him to maintain the momentum .

Hail Team Parenting.It is fun and fruitful.

Are You an ISLAND PARENT?

I have presented to you a Rainbow of parents, starting from YES PARENTS and BULLETPROOF PARENTS on the one end of the spectrum to POLARISED PARENTS and ISLAND PARENTS on the other end.We will discuss the ideal lying in the middle…MOON PARENTS later.

Since you are reading this post, I can assume that you are not an Island Parent but you must have surely come across some of them.For them, kids are just not on their agenda.Though they be parents but they are not interested in becoming parents.

I met one of my workshop participants recently who is a three month old mom.She confided in me,”I am back to work next month.I miss a stimulating adult conversation the whole day. Earlier, I would do big negotiations for my company and what i end up doing now is to negotiate with my domestic help.”

My mind was thinking about the importance of first 2000 days in the growth of a child.I can’t forget a mother from kolkata, a company secretary by profession who told me,”When my first boy slipped in my arms, I saw myself in the mirror and waved to myself to say good bye for 1000 days.”

A mother who loves to be a Vacation Mom…A father who forgets the grade in which his child studies…A mother who can’t fit in a meeting with her child’s counsellor in her busy schedule…A father who signs all the cheques but forgets to keep a check…

Think,do we deserve to be parents?

What has my child taught me?

 

A child jumping

A child jumping (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

It is a very simple question unless we want to answer it.

 

When did I last thank my child for making me learn something new or something that i had forgot over the years?

 

As a life transformation coach,I have come across thousands of children in last fifteen years and they all have taught me in their own unique ways.(I have an abundant supply of this emotion called Parenting)

 

I have learnt from these children to value’The Power of Now‘.Children don’t know how to worry for the future. We teach them how to worry.The other day , my daughter had an assessment at school and she was merrily reading a Ruskin Bond novel.I reminded her twice in a fearful tone about her coming assessment.

 

“Is it essential to worry?”she asked me.

 

Children have hourly goals and daily dreams but they are the most important tasks till they last.

 

My daughter has taught me to be enthusiastic.She can make everything fresh and happening with her exuberance.She is excited to open a new bar of soap, she looks forward to meet her home room teacher everyday.

 

Lets learn from our children as much as we want them to learn from us.I am sure they will beat us hollow.