Jealously Yours

This post was first published on www.madratgames.com – 07th April, 2016.

JEALOUSLY YOURS

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This social epidemic rampant in almost all close relationships is palpable, yet not accepted. We get our daily dose of the J word. It attracts us like the forbidden fruit. The closer we are, deeper are the seeds of jealousy. When we all fail, we feel sad, but when our best friend comes first, we feel worse.

A workshop participant of mine had appeared for her Pre-PG Exam after finishing her MBBS. Her husband also appeared for the same exam. When the result was declared, the husband checked the list on the college notice board and found that he had secured fifth rank. He could not find his wife’s name in the list and called her to console her. She told him to send her a picture of the list as she was confident of clearing the exam.

She saw the list and immediately called the husband.

“I have got the first rank.”
“What? How come?”
“How did you miss it?”
“I checked thrice but I checked below the fifth rank only”.

She shared the incident in the workshop and stirred several emotions. The husband felt worse when he realized that his wife fared better than him. Though he tried to hide his feelings and tried to justify his oversight, the wife got a bitter shock. Jealousy breeds in the funniest of ways and at the weirdest of places.

When others get what I am seeking: I experience the J factor when my friend gets the job that we both had applied for, when someone else marries my girl, when I lose the election. I wallow in self-pity, I feel extremely jealous when I am a complete loser. It is the most difficult to handle as there is no consolation prize available.

When others get more than me: I experience the J factor when my friend gets better rank than me though we both get selected, when his films enters the 200 crores club while mine is a little behind. In this situation, all is not lost, but jealousy still stimulates the loss. I try to justify to reduce the gap. I try to find innovative faults with the ranking and marking system to cushion the blow. This jealousy is competitive and continuous because the tides can change.

When my emotions overpower me: This J factor could be imaginary or exaggerated. When I feel that my parents love my younger sibling more, when I feel that the other girl looks better than me, when I feel that I am being ignored after the new entrant in our team. I start being an emotional freak. It could cause a breakdown or meltdown of several emotions leading to high voltage drama.

When I want to be a winner forever: This J factor is the most destructive and dangerous. When I can’t face failure, when I don’t know how to handle a no, when I firmly believe that I am the centre of the universe, I get jealous of every other achiever who is admired or loved. This unreasonable attitude could cause violent jealousy attacks leading to crimes.

Jealousy is universal. We all have experienced the bittersweet taste of this emotion. Let us not hide it. Let us not allow it to take deep roots. Let us accept it and tame it through honesty and positivity.

About the Author

About Author

Controlling Founders and Possessive Parents: Boon or Bane?

Crushing Flower

Sense of owning what one creates is most natural an emotion. The love, the passion and the consistent involvement makes the creator extremely connected to his/her creation. Feelings like ‘This is mine’, ‘You cannot imagine or realise what I have gone through to build this’ gush through their hearts very often.

As a result parents of children as well as organisations/startups have difficulty in letting others enter their bastions. The problem is double edged due to following reasons:

1. Trust: Every founder and parent is skeptical about the intention and ability of the new experts/relations that they need.

 

Forced by market needs or profitability, founders seek professional help, hire CEOs and Directors. Most of them are guilty of selecting professionals who they personally like or feel comfortable with.

 

If obeying the promoters or agreeing with founders becomes the basic selection criterion, no major breakthrough can be achieved for the business.

 

After some time, the promoters start feeling that it is difficult to get competent people and it strengthens their flawed mindset that no one knows their business better than them.

 

If they actually select competent people who can turnaround their businesses but continue to micromanage by seeking daily reports and consistent interference, the competent but hired leaders feel stifled. They fail to develop belongingness and controlling founders lose talent soon.

 

Similarly, parents become wary of new friends, new relationships that the children want to forge because they can’t allow themselves to trust them.

 

When children get married, tectonic shift seems to happen in the minds of Indian mothers. It takes a lot of time before she gets ready to let go of her possessive streak. If she continues to feel threatened by the competent, loving wife, there could be long term unhealed scars jeopardizing the relationship forever.

 

2. Jealousy: Founders & Parents love their creations dearly. At the same time they cannot fathom the fact that someone could outdo them in managing/developing their creation. There is a deep insecurity among founders about their stature within the organisation. Most of the promoters of family owned businesses become insecure as the popularity charts of professional leaders soar in their organisations.

 

If the workforce start singing praises for the new leadership, if vendors and partners get along very well with the professional leaders, the founders/promoters get into panic mode. It is sad to see that they do not shy away from harming their own businesses while nurturing their mammoth egos and grinding their own ship to a halt.

 

Parents tend to become insecure if their children are happy with spouses. Mothers clearly create havoc when the daughters in law are appreciated and acknowledged.

 

Control and possession is due to extreme attachment and ego.

 

Getting attached to excellence and happiness is far more important than getting attached to organisation or children.

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Dr. Swati Lodha is an Author, Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Parenting expert based in Mumbai. Having written Bestsellers like Come on get set go  &  Why Women are What they are, her book on Parenting will be published soon. Currently, she is running Life Lemonade which offers unique Training Programs on Life Transformation, High Performance Leadership, Women Issues and Parenting.

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