Action or Reflection: Your immediate choice

action-or-reflection

An Israeli researcher Michael Bar – Eli studied hundreds of penalty shoot-outs in soccer. In a penalty shootout, the ball takes less than 0.3 seconds to travel from the shooter to the goal. This is certainly not enough time for the goalkeepers to assess the ball’s trajectory. As a result, they need to decide beforehand what to do.

Study of various penalty shootouts shows that players who take penalty kicks shoot one third of the time at the middle of the goal, one third of the time at the left and one third of the time at the right. But the goalkeepers always either dive to the left or the right. Why?

Because it looks more impressive and less embarrassing to dive to the wrong side than to freeze on the spot and watch the ball sail past. This is called action bias – look active, even if it achieves nothing.

“Don’t sit, wait and watch – do something” is our life mantra.

We are descendants of hunters – who needed lightning fast reactions for survival. But our world is different. Still, we end up taking action without reflection.

Why is it torturous to wait & watch? Why is it bothersome to be seen idle? Why is it socially important to appear busy or engaged?

Think about situations where your immediate intervention might have worsened it when your sure intention was to be of some help.

When your kids fight and you manifest yourself as a saviour, you might add fuel to the fire by your presence.

Support – too much, too soon, might turn into a handicap. I have seen many retired people who keep themselves extremely occupied because they don’t want to feel ‘out of work, out of use’.

Replying immediately to tweets and online posts also shows our penchant towards taking immediate action, albeit through words.

In his book, The Art of Thinking Clearly, Rolf Dobelli says that society at large still prefers rash action to a sensible wait & watch strategy.

This surely doesn’t mean that a quick action is always unwarranted. A quick action for the sake of appearing active and involved is. Not taking a quick action is not same as inaction. In critical situations like a military/medical emergency, we need to act fast but in verbal arguments/brawls, a reflected and delayed action reaps better results.

Think:

Are you a mother who gets involved in every part of your child’s life because you are ‘at home’ to raise him/her?(Check your parenting style here Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself (Amazon Bestseller))

Are you a leader who is always behind schedule due to numerous meetings/appointments/review meetings?

 

 

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Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself

Madrat DRYCRY.png

This article was first published on MadratGames on 16th May, 2016.

http://www.madratgames.com/dont-raise-your-children-raise-yourself/

Though we might feel that we are perfect parents blessed with imperfect children, let’s face it- we need to learn to upgrade our abilities to parent our children.

ONE OF THE PARENTABILITY PRINCIPLES IS TO PREPARE YOURSELF TO HAVE A CRESCENDO PRESENCE IN THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN.

Though Moon doesn’t slice itself away or grows the slices back, people on the earth see it as waning and waxing. Similarly, parents don’t appear or disappear, but they should make children perceive the presence of parents in their lives as waning and waxing.

Our presence in the beginning years of your child resembles the Full Moon phase. As they grow up, our presence should move towards the waning gibbous phase. Our kids will see our presence reducing and their freedom rising while we can keep our presence intact by being observant.

By the time they enter tween age, we enter the last quarter phase where half of the Moon is visible. We let them take minor decisions by subtly guiding them to choose the right alternative. We hand over the physical reins to our children while keeping the mental reins with us. As they enter college, our presence reaches the waning crescent phase in their eyes. They become more self-reliant and self-confident but we hang on as a moral compass, as a shock absorber, as a warning bell in this precarious phase.

Presence of parents reaches a new Moon phase once the kids become financially and emotionally independent. In the west, it happens early and in east, this phase might pass with a blink. But this phase should come for some time to see how children fare in life with the help of wisdom accumulated over the years’ sans the active guidance of parents.

In spite of rising nuclear families, Moon Parenting believes that grand parenting is genuinely ‘grand’ parenting.

The beauty of being parents begins now. We enter the waxing crescent phase by visiting them or helping them in the hour of need. Our presence increases when our children marry and become parents themselves. If our children saw us respecting, valuing and taking care of our parents, they would certainly value us.

In my opinion, our children can get the best return from their lives if they have us around as grandparents for their children. This is the first quarter phase where Moon is again half visible. We become a wonderful bridge between our children and grandchildren as we reach the waxing gibbous phase. With the foundation of right values and balanced life-style, we reach the full Moon phase in our twilight years. This is the time when we need the warmth of our children.

If we are a good role model, our children will certainly be with us emotionally, if not physically.

This crescendo presence parentability principle is based on Indian family system. The self-sufficiency of Indian family system gives amazing emotional security, day-to-day mutual convenience and value addition.

A child does not demand to be born. We choose to have a child. We should choose it when we are ready for it, when we can give our crescendo presence in their lives.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Swati Lodha’s bestseller book titled – “Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself

About the Author

Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself

DRYCRY

It’s Out.
My Mother’s Day gift to my mom and my daughter.

Download the Kindle App on your laptop or phone (iOS/Android) or directly use your Kindle. Please log in to your Amazon account and purchase the book.

Check it out here: https://www.amazon.in/DONT-RAISE-YOUR-CHILDREN-YOURSELF-ebook/dp/B01FBFBEKI/279-4301953-7093903?ie=UTF8&ref_=tsm_1_fb_lk

DON’T RAISE YOUR CHILDREN, RAISE YOURSELFHow often do you feel inadequate and helpless as a parent when you are not sure about your actions as parents? Don’t you wish there was an “owners manual” for parents that would give you the insights, the knowledge, the skills and the…AMAZON.IN

After reading this ‘Un-Parenting’ Guide, parents will feel empowered as Parents and Mentors to their children.

The book offers Parenting advice for Parents at different junctures of their Parenting journey. It defines the meaning of Parenting in digital age.

It helps them find out their dominating Parenting Style and ways to make it better.

As a Parent, it motivates you to adhere to 10 Parentability Principles to sharpen your parenting competence. These tips make every mother and father more honest and real in their parental role.

Ask yourself why you want children” is the most sensible question to answer before deciding to become a Parent.

Concept of Crescendo presence” helps them understand the perennial nature of parenting with the varying degree of our physical and emotional presence in the likes of our children and our Parents.

“Disambiguate your childhood memories” is another advice that we completely ignore as Parents.

“Strike a balance and admit your mistakes” is one simple empowering advice for all parents,

“Children don’t do what Parents say, they do what their Parents do” is a reminder to be responsible and disciplined as Parents.

Twenty five lessons in the form of five value, five truths, five foundations, five commitments and five rights form the core of proper upbringing from the beginning.

If you want to raise your competence as Parents, then this book could be your dream book.

If you want your daily dilemmas as Parents answered, then pick up this book.

Learn – How to be a Parent of Digital Age

Explore – Your Parenting Style

Improve – Your Parentability

Be a MOON PARENT with “Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself”

A Pushy Parent At Home, An Authoritarian Leader At Work

Pushy Parent

When you go for a football match session where your child is playing, do you feel a surge of emotions based on his performance? Do you witness some parents who clap over zealousy, shout advices, even abuse the referee or other players?

These parents who play in their minds alongside their children are those who take every performance of their children very seriously and expect each performance to be exceptional.

Such parents are hard task masters and performance oriented people. They feel like losers when their children don’t top the class or lag behind in a swimming competition.

Ask yourself if you are such a parent:

Such a parent would often be a performance oriented leader at his workplace. He would focus more on the outcome and be critical of efforts which do not translate into the best performance.

Pushy parents treat their children as subjects who should give their best and excel in competitions. Authoritarian Leaders treat their subordinates as team members being paid to deliver results. They neither ask how their children feel about their fixation with winning nor do they realise how their subordinates find them inhuman.

A 14 year old girl volunteering as a referee in a weekly soccer match of young boys was verbally abused by a set of such parents who were not happy with the performance of their children. They got into physical fighting with each other, further embarrassing the children.

There is nothing wrong in expecting a good performance from our children as well as team members provided they are considered “partners trying their best”. We, as parents and leaders need to focus on making the journey enriching rather than focussing only on the milestone.

When a leader experiences cut throat competition at workplace, he pushes his team to meet the targets while setting higher targets for the next month. He brings the same mind-set home and expects his children to focus on winning their next competition.

Balance is the key here. It is important to encourage our children to do better than the previous time but it is not right to push them to win. It is hilarious to advise them while they are performing a task. Similarly, it is important to guide our team to execute well but it is not right to discourage or criticise if they lag behind. As a parent and leader, we need to be an anchor by owning the responsibility if something goes wrong.

Don’t make your child lonely by pushing him too hard to win.

Don’t make your team members feel lost by focussing only on the outcome.

Value your child more than his performance.

Let’s remember: People forget what we do for them but they never forget how we make them feel.

This article was first published on www.babydestination.com on 29th April, 2016

Level 5 Leadership in Family

Tata

When Jim Collins researched 1435 Fortune 500 Companies on seven parameters to find ‘great’ companies from ‘good’ companies, he found 11 companies which showed elements of greatness.

Eleven out of 1435 companies is around 0.007%. Quality of Leadership cannot be judged at that time. It makes more sense historically when we look back after a decade or so to assess the impact of leadership on the wellness of an organisation.

Similarly, parenting cannot be assessed in the present. It makes more sense when we look back and ask our adult children about impact of our parenting skills on their wellness.

Can level 5 leadership practiced at home, turn good families to great families?

Can we create a level 5 hierarchy at home to make step by step growth as an individual, then a spouse and finally as a parent.

Level 5

Great Parents

Building enduring greatness and legacy as a family with humility and ferocious will

 Level 4

Effective Parents

Consistent upgradation for better performance as parents, stimulating each other for cohesion and achieving long term family goals

Level 3

Competent Family Managers

Organising resources and strengthening willingness to prepare for becoming parents. Aligning long term goals with a planned parental shift

Level 2

Contributing Spouse / Contributing to Home (If Single)

Developing competence to work as a team of two, forming a family vision, strengthening the bond, working on duo dynamics

Level 1

Highly Capable Individual

Who has talent, value system and discipline

Level 1 requires an individual to be capable before starting a new family. He/She should possess a personal value system, balanced attitude and behavior with ethical habits and professional skills.

At level 2, two people come together to form an alliance for life. They become a two member team contributing to matrimony. This level requires fine tuning of personal objectives to make place for shared objectives. This level requires a mental shift for the two people who plan to start a new life together.

At level 3, the duo prepares for another shift as they find out if they have an emotion called parenting. If they find this emotion, they prepare themselves for the next role by allocating resources and aligning their personalities for the same. It is utmost important to prepare beforehand.

Level 4 requires periodic assessment of parenting skills so that up-gradation of knowledge, soft skills can be done. Various stages of child development need various parenting styles and parentability skills. Good families evolve to reach this level. Parents raise themselves before raising their children.

Level 5 transforms good families into great families as parents exhibit paradoxical qualities of humility and fierce will power. Only a few families will reach to this level because it is very difficult to get a mother father team who manifest deep humility and strong will power.

If they exemplify these traits, families become legendary as they earn respect & admiration for their achievements. They inspire awe and follower-ship for creating a cohesive family unit comprising of affectionate and confident children.

We need to work on parameters that would classify great families or family leaders over a period of thirty to fifty years.

Birla Family

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Dr. Swati Lodha is an Author, Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Parenting expert based in Mumbai. Having written Bestsellers like Come on get set go  &  Why Women are What they are, her book on Parenting will be published soon. Currently, she is running Life Lemonade which offers unique Training Programs on Life Transformation, High Performance Leadership, Women Issues and Parenting.

Connect with Dr. Swati Lodha on Linkedin, Twitter @drswatilodha Facebook

Also read her best articles here!

How to do what you do not want to do.

Self Regulation“I will arrange my closet today.”

“I will surely communicate my real opinion to my team about the new project.”

“I will spend time with my 8 years old the way she wants.”

“This is my last cigarette.”

We know that we should do it all but we don’t.

It has nothing to do with our New Year Resolutions but everything to do with our EFFORTFUL CONTROL.

It is obvious that we like to do what comes easy to us – effortlessly.

If keeping a ‘bursting at seams’ wardrobe is effortless, we will somehow close it and forget about it till we open it again.

If ‘beating around the bush’ is far more effortless than being a “I don’t mince words” leader, I will continue to be a polite leader.

If I find playing Monopoly very boring, I will keep motivating my child to watch a film with me as that is what comes easy to me and interests me.

Letting the cigarette bite the dust forever requires me to take my self control a notch higher.

But how do I do what I don’t want to do but should:

  1. Welcome self change – We are phenomenal slaves of our habits. Resisting change is second nature to us. Giving all sort of excuses like “there is no time”, “there is so much stress” to justifying our behavior seems easier than admitting that we are fooling ourselves to remain the way we are.

First, admit that you need to change.

Second, instruct yourself to change.

Third, make a plan to initiate change.

Fourth, stick to it.

Fifth, pat yourself and talk about it to someone who can empathise and enforce the change.

Sixth, hold on to the change till it becomes the new habit.

Changing Habits.jpg

  1. Believe in the law of delayed gratification – Notice children around you. While filling their plates for lunch/dinner, there are some who gobble up their favorite dish first while there are some who would save their favorite dish to be savored at end. The former type will not be able to change easily while the latter type knows the charm of saving the best for the end which keeps them motivated to finish the less likeable but nutritious part of the meal. Former children might not even finish everything on the plate after having their favorite part first.

Delayed gratification empowers us to sit through the mundane but necessary tasks as our favorite task waits for us towards the end. This delayed gratification works only when we auto-suggest the same to ourselves. It should not be offered by others like bait.

Changing Habits 2.jpg

  1. Practice Effotful Control – I read about 12 years old boy from a Mumbai school who realized that he and his friend had a crush on the same girl. He told his friend to stay away from her to which the friend refused. After a few days the friend became a butt of jokes in his class as everyone started calling him gay. He found a lot of objectionable material posted on his profile. The Cyber Crime Cell of Mumbai Crime Branch found out that the 12 year old in the love triangle maligned his friend on facebook.

Not only this, an eleven year old in Mumbai staged her own kidnap drama to avoid writing a tough English test in school a day later. The child, on being caught by Police, revealed that she feared failing in the exam and did not want to be scolded by her dad.

Both the children, in the above cases, did not know where to draw the line on behavior such as this. We, as a society, have failed in helping them develop the ability to control or direct their own feelings.

Obesity among children, addiction to gadgets, drugs, violent behavior, tantrum throwing also arises out of lack of self-regulation.

We, as parents, should do two things to teach our children the art of self-regulation. First, let them feel the sensation of distress that accompanies an unfulfilled need. This is simple. Let us not make everything available to them. Let us not shelter them from feeling of delayed gratification.

Second, expose them repetitively to controllable challenges. Have you seen any child when he learns to ride a bicycle? The child sees someone riding a bicycle or some tutor shows him by holding the balancing act. After modeling for the learner, the tutor would hand over the cycle to the learner. As he practices, the tutor would offer hints and cues by remaining attentive as the learner tries. When the learner tries to balance his feet on both pedals, tutor gives support for a while. Then, he withdraws support gradually but completely. This three-tier approach of modeling, offering hints and gradually withdrawing adult support makes a person learn self-regulation.

Show, Help, Withdraw support – Repetition of the same process will help them develop their stress response mechanism. When the support is followed by independent action, they learn the lessons right.

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Dr. Swati Lodha is an Author, Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Parenting expert based in Mumbai. Having written Bestsellers like Come on get set go  &  Why Women are What they are, her book on Parenting will be published soon. Currently, she is running Life Lemonade which offers unique Training Programs on Life Transformation, High Performance Leadership, Women Issues and Parenting.

Connect with Dr. Swati Lodha on Linkedin, Twitter @drswatilodha Facebook 

Also read her best articles here!

3 Truths to be Happy till December 2016 #BigIdea2016

BondingAs days push the year ahead, new turns into mundane and happy becomes scrappy.

Time never listens to anyone and we keep inventing things to sustain the need to celebrate and the urge to be happy.

Does new make us happy? It does make us happy till the taste of newness remains on our tongues. It is a “firework” experience which doesn’t last.

Can we create experiences that last?

  1. Create an Authentic Beautiful You: Find out the real person hidden in your resume whom you loved to hang out with. An authentic leader, a real parent, a honest spouse might not tick all the boxes of social, professional & matrimonial expectations but he would be respected, followed and loved for being his/her true self. Love yourself and appreciate your strengths. Authenticity will make you beautiful forever.

 

  1. Create a creatively disciplined home & workplace: Gift yourself, your children and your team a open, creative space to do things differently. Gift them freedom to initiate change, to disrupt minds, to fail, to try again and fail better. Gift them discipline to discover method in madness, strength to admit their mistakes.

Give them courage to ask every day, “Am I getting better?”

When you create an open, creative ecosystem, every day is a Happy New Year.

  1. Create a sustainable, equitable World: Give your time, energy and money for some cause which makes this world better for at least someone.

Share your wealth, conserve energy, protect wildlife, preserve forests – at least smile and give a helping hand.

If you create a authentic beautiful You, a creatively disciplined home/workplace and attempt creating a sustainable world, I wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYDAY.