Being Emotionally Intelligent Is Important!

This article was first published on https://sheroes.in/  on 11th May, 2016

Being Emotionally Intelligent Is Important!

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A thirty year old successful chartered accountant called me. She had been a participant of my workshop around eight years ago. She narrated her life story in a few minutes and it sat me thinking. She married the guy she loved after a four year courtship but wanted to get separated after a year. She seemed unhappy with her work too as it was stressful. Her voice sounded lifeless, her tone hardened. Since I generally remember my workshops participants and their personalities long after their completion of workshops, I often talk and meet many of these young people whom I guided as adolescents.

When I met these young, ambitious working brigade of girls and boys, I often wonder – they are intelligent (have a look at their grades and packages) and they are emotional (they show them through their reactions). But are they emotionally intelligent? Perhaps not.

Daniel Goleman explains the four pillars of emotional intelligence as self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and social skills.

For personal and professional happiness, women need to strengthen all the four parameters. This article will focus on the first two pillars while the next article will cover the remaining two.

Self-Awareness: Women, since childhood get conditioned by expectations of others. If they are given a social rule book to follow at an early age, they bend their personalities to fit in the mould of social approval. As a result, they fail to assess their own emotions. When girls are not aware about their own emotional well-being, they lead a life designed by others. They never feel at home because they have never asked themselves:

  1. What makes me happy, excited, and ecstatic?
  2. What makes me sad, frustrated and depressed?
  3. What makes me angry and furious?
  4. What makes me feel like I have achieved something?
  5. What makes me feel loved, valued and respected?
  6. What do I love to do?
  7. What do I dislike or fear in people/situations?
  8. What scares me?

If a woman can answer these questions personally and professionally, she would gain emotional awareness about herself. She would be able to read and understand her own emotions which will surely help her to improve her work performance and relationships.

Each woman must evaluate her strengths and weakness with a realistic eye, so that she is well aware of her place in the sun.

A girl pampered by her parents will not be able to face the world. At the same time, a woman needs to talk and show her strengths at the workplace. A silent worker in the name of being righteous works wonders for others. There is no harm in claiming credit for what you have done. Highlight your strengths and dilute your weaknesses. You will be able to do so only when you know about them.

Self-awareness means being aware about your self-worth. Lot of people around us love to demoralise us or play with our confidence. Many superiors would use demotivating language in the name of giving constructive feedback. An emotionally self-aware woman would be able to differentiate between honest, valid feedback and deprecating, jealous feedback.

Assess your self-worth yourself. If you feel confident, you act confident and you don’t empower others to play with your self-worth.

I met a young mother who was working as an administrative assistant. She said “No one in my family ever expected me to study for a lucrative career. Even I did not expect much from myself as no one else did”. She never tried to assess her own potential as she only believed in what others wanted her to believe.

Self-Management: To be emotionally intelligent, a woman must be good at regulating her habits, behaviour and value system. Women tend to go overboard with their emotions sometimes. If a man cries during an interview (Thank You Kapil Dev), he is considered human, but if a woman does so, she is termed weak.

We need to be honest with our emotions but regulate their expression. It is prudent to control our impulsive responses in formal work environment.

Though woman are adaptive to changing situations and overcoming obstacles. I witness an unwelcoming change these days. Millennia’s get upset when they don’t get their way. Adaptability doesn’t come easy to them.

Self-Management includes a drive to achieve excellence in the chosen area of interest with readiness to seize opportunities.

An emotionally intelligent woman is balanced. She doesn’t shy away from starting conversation or blowing a whistle.

She would be ready to go to unimaginable lengths to prove her presence under the sun.

When I spoke to start up enthusiast Sweta Mangal who launched ambulance services in many states through Ziqitza Healthcare, she shared her experience.

“I started the venture with three of my friends when a personal tragedy made us realize the need. I have worked as CEO of the company for eight years. Then I stepped down from day to day responsibilities as I became a mother.” She has just launched a medical app called MUrgency to facilitate medical services online. The sheer detachment from one role and a mature transition into another speaks volumes about the emotional intelligence of this passionate woman.

If a woman is emotional and academically intelligent, it is a half battle won. To win the full battle, to enhance personal happiness and professional success, we must hone our emotional intelligence by becoming more aware about ourselves.

****

I am an Author, Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Parenting expert based in Mumbai. Having written Bestsellers like Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself (Amazon Bestseller), Why Women Are What They Are, Come On! Get Set Go

I am running Life Lemonade which offers unique Training Programs on Life Transformation, High Performance Leadership, Women Issues and Parenting.

Connect with me on Linkedin, Twitter @drswatilodha Facebook

Also read my best articles here!

Shut up! Moms and Dads

Yesterday, we were going through our yearly ritual of arranging the pictures and videos of our family on my laptop. I had asked my family photographer (they existed a decade ago!) to send me all the videos he had recorded over the last two decades so that I could store them in my laptop. I received many videos of my daughter from the time she learnt to talk, walk or hold a ball.

One video caught my attention where she must be around three years and she was trying to play badminton with me and my mother.

She tries to hit the shuttle cock with the racket. She sits down and puts the cock in the centre of the oval racket. She stands up balancing the racket and tries to bounce the shuttle by moving the racket.

I move towards her and show her the right way of doing it. I give verbal instructions also to the three year old who was trying to figure out the shuttle cock and the racket.

After two-three minutes, she is able to hit the cock with her racket a bit – she shrieks and jumps with joy. She is thrilled “It happened, it happened”, is what she repeats as she jumps.

“Don’t shout so much!” I tell her.

Not only this, I tell her to try more.

As the video ended, I was so angry with myself. I felt like giving a mouthful to myself.

How callous of me to try to teach stuff to a three year old, spoiling her exploratory journey and putting her down.

How brutal of me to tell her not to shout when she genuinely wanted to.

I was a young, unexperienced foolish Mom like many of us here who sadly believe that they know how to raise kids. Some of us like to advice and admonish, like me, all the time.

Some of us like to scare and scrutinise them.

As parents, we have all the right and some capability to encourage & guide them but we need to learn how and when to do it.

How many times do we try to bend down to the level of a child? We speak the same adult language to them to make them understand our viewpoint. The hurried tone, the eagerness to teach, the repetitive scanning of habits is full of words, normal for adults but scathing for toddlers.

For children below three, can we shut up and observe?

Can we spend more relaxed time noticing their actions, their reactions? Can we lovingly show rather than tell?

I wish I had someone who could tell my immature self to be less verbal and more loving with my three year old.

We need to reach to their level and talk only as much as they understand. Do the actions and they will follow.

As our children grow up, we tend to advise them every now and then. There is nothing wrong in guiding them but most of us actually try to instil fear in them through our advices.

“If you do not study well, then you do not get your cycle.”

“If you don’t get selected, you will not be successful.”

“If you do not make it to the top schools, you will disappoint us.”

We keep sprinkling such sentences in our conversations from the early childhood and the damaging outcomes are seen much later.

Can we observe our child and notice his skills.

Academic Skills – What does he enjoy reading? Does he ask questions? Which subjects is he/she repulsive to?

Social Skills – Does he feel comfortable in groups? How does he/she handle peer pressure? Do they try to fit in or hold their ground? Do they like to lead or get led?

Creative Skills – Check their disposition towards design thinking, exploring products or ideas. Do they get fascinated by automobiles or computers or cooking?

Artistic Skills – Observe them closely to see if they like to sing or dance or draw or paint or play. Do they take to sun or water or exercising?

Spiritual Skills – Notice if they like to pray or stay silent? Observe their moments of complete focus.

Physical Skills – Notice their physiological strengths and their agility. Expose them to various sports to see if they take to any of them.

Emotional Skills – Observe your children to see what makes them happy, irritated, sad, scared, frustrated, playful or angry.

Our observing skills are more important than our oral skills in the first decade of our child’s development.

Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself

During the teenage, our over confidence with respect to our children can be fatal.

“I know you very well”.

“You are not trying enough”.

“We have sacrificed so much for you”

These are some sentiments of parents which are largely untrue.

We hardly know what is going on inside the minds and hearts of our children unless we give them complete confidence that they can come back to us come what may.

Since they are scared of our responses to their choices, they hide the wishes of their heart from us. In the process, they drift away slowly but our over confident selves continue in denial, firmly believing that we know our children well.

Try to remember all the things, all the statements of parents that hurt you as a teenager. Ascertain that you are not hurting your children in the same way.

We need not have rigid career expectations from them because they can make a career out of so many avenues available in different fields.

I saw the amazing photography by a young wedding photographer who left his MNC job to start his photography start up. He is happy to be known as a celebration photo shoot expert which was unheard of two decades ago.

Shut up and listen to your children’s songs which they might be nurturing secretly. Don’t sing for them or handover the lyrics to them. Give them the courage to write their own songs and compose their own music from their heart.

Shut up and learn their language. Speak your mind without being judgemental. We expect our children to listen to us and obey us. But we are their companions, their well-wishers, not their bosses. “Don’t talk back”, “Don’t argue” are our favourite comments once they grow up. Parents equate disagreement with disrespect which becomes painful.

We can surely disagree without disrespecting the other person. Our children are not our clones. We must celebrate their uniqueness and let them be.

Love them, limit them but let them be.

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I am an Author, Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Parenting expert based in Mumbai. Having written Bestsellers like Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself (Amazon Bestseller), Why Women Are What They Are, Come On! Get Set Go

 I am running Life Lemonade which offers unique Training Programs on Life Transformation, High Performance Leadership, Women Issues and Parenting.

 Connect with me on Linkedin, Twitter @drswatilodha Facebook

Also read my best articles here!

Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself

DRYCRY

It’s Out.
My Mother’s Day gift to my mom and my daughter.

Download the Kindle App on your laptop or phone (iOS/Android) or directly use your Kindle. Please log in to your Amazon account and purchase the book.

Check it out here: https://www.amazon.in/DONT-RAISE-YOUR-CHILDREN-YOURSELF-ebook/dp/B01FBFBEKI/279-4301953-7093903?ie=UTF8&ref_=tsm_1_fb_lk

DON’T RAISE YOUR CHILDREN, RAISE YOURSELFHow often do you feel inadequate and helpless as a parent when you are not sure about your actions as parents? Don’t you wish there was an “owners manual” for parents that would give you the insights, the knowledge, the skills and the…AMAZON.IN

After reading this ‘Un-Parenting’ Guide, parents will feel empowered as Parents and Mentors to their children.

The book offers Parenting advice for Parents at different junctures of their Parenting journey. It defines the meaning of Parenting in digital age.

It helps them find out their dominating Parenting Style and ways to make it better.

As a Parent, it motivates you to adhere to 10 Parentability Principles to sharpen your parenting competence. These tips make every mother and father more honest and real in their parental role.

Ask yourself why you want children” is the most sensible question to answer before deciding to become a Parent.

Concept of Crescendo presence” helps them understand the perennial nature of parenting with the varying degree of our physical and emotional presence in the likes of our children and our Parents.

“Disambiguate your childhood memories” is another advice that we completely ignore as Parents.

“Strike a balance and admit your mistakes” is one simple empowering advice for all parents,

“Children don’t do what Parents say, they do what their Parents do” is a reminder to be responsible and disciplined as Parents.

Twenty five lessons in the form of five value, five truths, five foundations, five commitments and five rights form the core of proper upbringing from the beginning.

If you want to raise your competence as Parents, then this book could be your dream book.

If you want your daily dilemmas as Parents answered, then pick up this book.

Learn – How to be a Parent of Digital Age

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Be a MOON PARENT with “Don’t Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself”

My Self-Publishing Journey Begins…

picccccAfter publishing three books in our traditional ways with fair amount of success in terms of books sales and readers appreciation, I have finally reinvented my writing journey.

I chose the transition because:

1. Traditional publishers try to make you feel like they are doing a great favor to you by publishing the book. You feel petty and inconsequential, more so if you are a non-fiction author.

 2. Traditional publishers are slow and editing takes forever. I had a bitter experience with a known publishing house which very quickly signed on the dotted line and then kept changing editors on the manuscript for six months. After that, they informed me that they are short of editors and will need time. They dilly dallied throughout the contract period of one and a half year with an apology email sent to me. 

3. The royalties paid as peanuts make you feel that you write only because you want to. You pay to your publisher even to buy your own books. My first book sold more than a lakh of copies with a national award but I still need to buy my own books (at a discounted price) for my workshops.

4. Self-publishing has empowered me as an author and I have connected with an amazing set of authors who have become self-publishing phenomena in their respective categories.

I am new in this space and I am waiting to explore this new space with my book “DON’T RAISE YOUR CHILDREN, RAISE YOURSELF”. As soon as I upload it next week on Amazon, I will discover new readers and a whole new digital world. Though the number of e-book readers in India is very less, I am hopeful that my book will appeal to a global audience and I won’t miss the traditional publishing.

Waiting for a redemption, I am already writing my next one.

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A Pushy Parent At Home, An Authoritarian Leader At Work

Pushy Parent

When you go for a football match session where your child is playing, do you feel a surge of emotions based on his performance? Do you witness some parents who clap over zealousy, shout advices, even abuse the referee or other players?

These parents who play in their minds alongside their children are those who take every performance of their children very seriously and expect each performance to be exceptional.

Such parents are hard task masters and performance oriented people. They feel like losers when their children don’t top the class or lag behind in a swimming competition.

Ask yourself if you are such a parent:

Such a parent would often be a performance oriented leader at his workplace. He would focus more on the outcome and be critical of efforts which do not translate into the best performance.

Pushy parents treat their children as subjects who should give their best and excel in competitions. Authoritarian Leaders treat their subordinates as team members being paid to deliver results. They neither ask how their children feel about their fixation with winning nor do they realise how their subordinates find them inhuman.

A 14 year old girl volunteering as a referee in a weekly soccer match of young boys was verbally abused by a set of such parents who were not happy with the performance of their children. They got into physical fighting with each other, further embarrassing the children.

There is nothing wrong in expecting a good performance from our children as well as team members provided they are considered “partners trying their best”. We, as parents and leaders need to focus on making the journey enriching rather than focussing only on the milestone.

When a leader experiences cut throat competition at workplace, he pushes his team to meet the targets while setting higher targets for the next month. He brings the same mind-set home and expects his children to focus on winning their next competition.

Balance is the key here. It is important to encourage our children to do better than the previous time but it is not right to push them to win. It is hilarious to advise them while they are performing a task. Similarly, it is important to guide our team to execute well but it is not right to discourage or criticise if they lag behind. As a parent and leader, we need to be an anchor by owning the responsibility if something goes wrong.

Don’t make your child lonely by pushing him too hard to win.

Don’t make your team members feel lost by focussing only on the outcome.

Value your child more than his performance.

Let’s remember: People forget what we do for them but they never forget how we make them feel.

This article was first published on www.babydestination.com on 29th April, 2016